Alright- I have something that's have been bothering me for awhile now, and I think some others might share the same sentiment...
But first, allow me to open up what I want to say with this question: Why did you join this group? Was it because you feel (or felt) that you were depressed? Did you seek to help others?
Regardless of your answer to the prior, I'm sure we've all experienced some form of a bad spell- whether it's hormones or clinical depression.
But the reason I write this blog entry is to bring out into the open a sort of insecurity I have when it comes to topics such as depression. Bluntly put, I wasn't feeling too great last year. I isolated myself, felt estranged from my friends, and all and all felt as lonely as hell. And, as odd as a diagnostic it might be, I think I might have had depression.
Now, the "I think" and "might" are uncertain terms. I wanted something to be wrong with me, I don't know why, but I did. I was literally a walking contradiction: on one hand, I felt betrayed, I felt hostile that no one (particularly my friends) was reaching out to me, or noticing that something was up. On the other, even if by some odd chance they reached out to me, I would recoil and stay on my little hermit island, stubbornly refusing any sort of contact even though the lack of it was making me crumble from the inside. Oddly enough, I had preferred staying that way, coming to detest the people around me and even arbitrary things like group work.
Again, no idea why, that's just how I felt.
A huge problem I had (the one thing that made it worsen) was that I refused to say anything. I had no clue what was wrong with me. Which segways me into my next point-
I think I have no right to go around and claim I have "depression", that it's a term reserved for those who have scars on their wrists and flesh, not some petty lonely teen like I was. I felt the hugest hole in my chest, yet even though I cried (yeah, I cried), there was a part of me that sneered and said "Ha, please. You have no right to go and think you're depressed, you don't even cut. Suck it up and suffer in silence."
What's your definition of depression? Does it only count if someone takes a knife to their wrist? Does someone have to hate themselves to be depressed? Or can they see themselves just fine, yet still be ripped apart from the inside?
It's somewhat uncharacteristic of me to go and post such personal info on the internet- but after months and months of pondering, wondering why I felt the way I felt. I simply can't take not knowing anymore. Feeling a need for some sort of c losure, I need a straight answer...
Does it sound like I had depression?
*Please note: although I never received any formal help for whatever was going on with me, I think I am past this now. Not completely over it, but recovering in my own sense.